The 12 Days of House Arrest
by roxypony
Summary: [Day 3. Character: Tony Stark. Theme: Decorating] ; From the studio that brought you House Arrest... You're not hallucinating. This is happening. If they can't celebrate Christmas, you can be damn sure they'll avenge it or die trying. 12 oneshots, each featuring a character and a festive theme. And dammit Tony, for the last time, we are not calling it Starkmas.
1. Day 1: Selvig & Santa

Do you know what's neat? There's 12 days of Christmas and 12 characters in Avengers. Coincidence? You do the math.

I know I should be working on House Arrest... but University is a big dirty mindfuck so be glad I'm doing something festive at all. I wrote over half of this on my phone throughout the weekend; I went home and forgot my laptop. I'm pretty sure I ended up writing more than I would have if I'd actually had a proper keyboard.

I've never written Selvig before in my life so go easy on me. I got his chapter out of the way first because I have literally no idea how to properly characterize him. He's Loki'd for most of the movie anyway, and in Thor he's basically babysitting. That said, I do like him quite a bit.

Warnings: language. that's it. (come on guys, it's me.)

Anyway, enjoy ;)

* * *

_If We Can't Celebrate Christmas, You Can Be Damn Sure We'll Avenge It._

_**Day 1:** character: **Eric Selvig** theme: **Santa Claus** _

* * *

"Stark, this is a stupid idea."

"Is not!"

"Is to!"

"Is _not."_

"IS TO!"

"Is not not _not. _Period. I win."

It was a crisp December afternoon in New York City. A mild argument had broken out in the upper level of Stark Tower, where several figures were lounging casually about, sipping on steaming mugs of hot chocolate, courtesy of Jarvis. The subject of debate was the latest idea of a certain genius-billionaire-playboy-philanthropist.

"There's no way you thought this through. Christmas cards for everyone in the entire city? _Really?_" Clint Barton looked reproachfully up at Tony Stark who was staring back with equal skepticism.

"Not every _person_, every _home. _It's Christmas, Barton. People need to know the Avengers are here and we care."

"You're only arranging this 'cause all the cards are gonna say _Sponsored by Stark Industries!_"

"I call that a silver lining." Tony shrugged.

"I remember when my family used to send out homemade Christmas cards… we all wore hideous sweaters and reindeer antlers and it was traumatic and humiliating. We were the laughingstock of our family." Phil Coulson quirked an eyebrow and took another drink of cocoa.

"Yeah well, we'll be in full combat gear, like we were last time the public saw us in action." Tony insisted.

"Am I in on this?" Loki asked casually.

"Better sit this one out, Rudolph. _We_ know you're not plotting global destruction these days, but the general public doesn't. You can stick around here and hold down the fort."

Loki nodded in approval and went back to browsing the Sears Wishbook.

"I think it is a marvellous idea!" Thor boomed.

"Of course you do." Clint sighed, rubbing his eardrum.

"So, where are we doing this? Can we just snap it in front of the fireplace and call it a day?" Natasha inquired without enthusiasm.

"_Please. _I rented out Central Park for the afternoon. We're doing this right." Tony smirked.

"I could've photoshopped us onto a snowy background. It's cold out there." Bruce groaned.

"Hulk won't care."

"I- _what?!_ I have to Hulk for this?!"

"It'll be fine, come on. I got you a Hulk-sized Christmas sweater. I bought it from a circus… they used it on an elephant. It's down in the truck. It'll be great." Tony enthused. Bruce rolled his eyes.

"If I break Harlem again, the bill's going to Stark Industries. Just a fair warning."

"Hulk will love Christmas. I've got a feeling."

"Do you now, Stark? Because I-"

"So, when are we doing this?" came an sudden and excited yell. The assembled Avengers turned in their seats to see Steve Rogers come bounding into the room, fully decked out in Captain America garb. He'd made a couple modifications, though. He'd layered his shield with glittering tinsel in patriotic colours, and filled his utility belt with candy canes.

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Tony exclaimed. "Suit up, everyone. Meet back here in 10. Once our honorary Avenger gets here, it's go time."

"I'm already here." Coulson chipped in.

"Sorry, the _other _honorary Avenger."

"Wait, we have another honorary Avenger?" Clint inquired. "Who-"

"STARK?!" Came a loud and sudden voice from the stairwell. "Care to tell me what's so urgent you had to drag me away from a meeting with the board of directors from the university?"

"And there he is." Tony beamed. "Welcome, Eric."

A very confused, disoriented, and angry-looking Eric Selvig came striding into the room, followed by an utterly composed-looking Pepper Potts.

"What the hell is this? I was in the middle of once-in-a-lifetime research and your assistant shows up and hauls me onto a plane and all the way to New York City and won't tell me why?"

"Oh please. There was no dragging involved. You walked onto the plane under your own power." Pepper corrected with a long-suffering sigh.

"Because you asked politely and I like you better than Stark." Selvig grumbled.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that… Thanks for doing this, Peps." said Tony appreciatively, planting a soft kiss on her cheek.

"FRIEND SELVIG!" Thor roared in absolute ecstasy, literally leaping over the couch to fling himself into Eric's arms, naturally resulting in both of them collapsing on the marble floor. Thor was not deterred. "THE HAPPIEST OF HOLIDAY TIDINGS TO YOU, MY BROTHER! MAY YOUR DAYS BE MERRY AND BRIGHT AND MAY ALL YOUR CHRISTMASES BE WHITE!"

"Good to see you too, son. You've been briefed on Christmas, I see?" Selvig growled, shaking Thor's hand and climbing to his feet.

"Indeed I have! What brings you to the York of New?"

"I haven't the foggiest. Stark, enlighten me. What exactly brings me to the York of New?" the professor inquired skeptically.

"You're gonna be in the annual Avengers Christmas photo with us, that's what."

Selvig blinked. And blinked again.

"I have to be in your wacked-out superfamily Christmas picture?"

"You _get _to be in our wacked-out superfamily Christmas picture." Tony corrected with an evil smile.

"…STAAAAAAAAAAARK!"

"Don't take your boots off, we're going to the park!"

_***-HOHOHO-***_

"Do you have any idea what would happen to my career if I showed up in a picture with the Avengers? I'm too busy to have fangirls." Selvig rambled irritably as the gang, fully suited and ready for action, wandered through Central Park, scoping out the perfect location for the photo. "Why one earth didn't you call me before dragging me up here?"

"Because you would have hung up on me as soon I said the word 'Christmas'." Tony clarified.

"Of course I would have! I don't have time to fly all over the country to pose for pictures! I was on the verge of a breakthrough!" the scientist replied edgily, stepping down into the crispy snow rather harder than necessary.

"A breakthrough to what?" Clint inquired shrewdly.

"I've been going over and over the the information we had on the Tesseract and combining it with what I learned when Loki turned me; trying to make sense of it so _that _happens again!"

And everybody knew what _that_ was.

"_That's _not going to happen again." Steve spoke up.

"Yeah, trust me. These days Loki is way less interested in world domination and way more into the Discovery channel." Tony chuckled. "Besides… I thought you'd _want _to be part of the group…" he added with a calculatedly put-out look at Eric.

"Really? You're guilting the man into posing for a stupid picture?" Clint hissed sideways at Tony, who shrugged in response.

"You did as much to save the world as we did, Professor. You're the one who built the safety into that thing so we could shut it down. You deserve all the credit we do, and probably more beside." Steve added.

"With all due respect, Captain, I'm perfectly happy _without _my name going up in lights. I'm a simple man; knowing I made a difference is enough for me. We can't all be like Tony Stark."

"Yeah yeah, that's all very noble of you but I seriously didn't fly you out here for nothing." Tony grouched. "You're _in _the wacked-out superfamily photo, like it or not."

"Tony, it's great that you're being all-inclusive, but you don't have to be so aggressive about it." Pepper chided him as she experimented with settings on her camera.

"I'm not being _aggressive, _I'm being _nice. _And _right._ Nobody's getting it. Professor Science over here doesn't know what he wants."

Selvig glared and whipped a snowball at Tony's head. Tony hastened to retaliate, but he was intercepted by Steve who neatly pinned both his arms behind his back.

"Hold up!" Pepper called out suddenly from the front of the small line. "_This _is the spot for the picture. It's _perfect_."

They'd stumbled across Central Park's resident "North Pole", a cute child-friendly setup where people could come hang out with "Santa" and his "elves". There was a little igloo, a deserted throne where the Santa sat, and a huge red sleigh hitched to 8 reindeer statues. It was a pretty convenient setup, even Clint couldn't deny it. Of course it was devoid of life right now, the only thing around was a rather unnerving mannequin sitting in the sleigh, wearing a Santa suit.

"Avengers, assemble. And be fast about it. Fury'll skin me if any of you die of frostbite on my watch." Coulson ordered.

"Are you sure about this, buddy?" Tony questioned Erik as the group assembled in Santa's village. "It's not too late to get in on the glory."

"Trust me, Stark. Glory isn't really my thing." Erik promised.

"Okay then. Suit yourself." Tony shrugged, taking a seat on creepy fake Santa's lap. "Places, everyone!"

Pepper readied the camera. (Tony had made it himself, it was a digital Polaroid.) And suddenly a great cry went out.

"I PRAY THEE, WAIT!" Thor boomed.

"Dear God, what is it?" Clint grumbled after jumping in shock.

"I have been blessed with a glorious idea in which we can all achieve the outcome we desire! Friend Selvig can wear this crimson fur garment and the strange false facial hair! He can pose as your Midgardian 'Santa Claus' for the photograph and his identity will remain a unknown to the public, as he wishes!" Thor looked in danger of bursting with excitement at his plan.

Tony's eyes went from the fake Santa, to Selvig, and back to the fake Santa.

"No!" The scientist replied adamantly, crossing his arms. "I've never had to resort to being a mall Santa and I don't plan on starting now."

"But you wouldn't be a mall Santa, you'd be an Avengers Santa." Tony wheedled. "That's the coolest job in the world and you know it. It's even cooler than being Captain America. Not as cool as being Tony Stark, buuuut you can't have it all, right?"

"No. I'm leaving."

"Quick, Thor! Do the eyes!"

Thor obliged. This was his specialty; usually reserved for when Pepper was reluctant to let him use her expensive conditioner.

"F-friend Selvig?"

"WHAT?"

"Please?"

Erik Selvig turned around to see a certain blond immortal giving him the world's most heartbreaking stare out of his crystalline blue eyes, so enough to melt rock.

"Please?" Thor repeated, this time tilting his head to the side.

"Goddammit... FINE. Fine. Give me the suit."

Tony's face lit up and he pulled the dummy out of the sleigh and stripped it down in about four seconds.

"You're unnervingly good at that." Clint muttered.

"Years of practice. Here ya go, chief. Never thought I'd see you suiting up with us." said Tony, tossing the red and white pile at Erik, who donned it begrudgingly.

"It's..."

"GLORIOUS!" Thor bellowed. "You are identical to Sir Claus of the Northern Pole."

"Man, if this scientist thing goes under, I think we've found your calling." Tony grinned.

"Hulk like Santa!" The green monster contributed, banging his fists into the snow eagerly.

"Santa like Hulk too." Selvig replied cautiously. "Now are we doing this or what?"

"Smile, everyone!" Pepper called.

Click.

Pepper looked down into the digital screen to see her good work; this was one for the books. The Black Widow was sitting on the lead reindeer, holding a pistol and pointing it into the air. Hawkeye was kneeling among the elves and wearing an elf hat himself; holding his armed bow an pointing an arrow directly at the camera. Captain America was standing beside him, tinsel shield held aloft and ready for action. Thor hung off the back of the sleigh, holding Mjolnir and looking like he was having the time of his life. Hulk stood in the background in his gloriously ugly giant Christmas sweater, giving a double thumbs-up and a rare and startlingly white Hulk-smile. Agent Coulson stood next to the igloo, earmuffs and sunglasses on. Iron Man sat in the sleigh like the big deal he was, leaned back, helmet off and arm around "Santa Claus" who had an extremely bemused but nonetheless delighted expression in his eyes. The rest of his face was somewhat obscured by beard, but there was evidence of a smile happening somewhere under there.

She clicked "print".

"Is it good, Peps?" Tony asked.

"It's a keeper." She grinned. Hulk roared happily and the others applauded with cold hands.

"Perfect. I'll send it to the printers first thing tomorrow." He replied, climbing out of the sleigh. "Good work, Team. You've earned your Shawarma."

There was a split second of silence, and before the team could utter their approval of the newly appointed Shawarma date...

"MOMMY IT'S SANTA CLAUS! AND THE ABENGERS!"

Tony froze.

"Who said that?"

"HEY! HEY SANTA! HEY ABENGERS!"

"Security breach!" Clint yelled as a small girl of about six came careening towards them and propelled himself into the sleigh and onto Selvig's red velvet-coveted lap before anyone else could react.

"Santa! I didn't know you knew the Abengers! Oh wow this is so cool. Are you an Abenger too? Is your superpower making toys? Or flying? Or super speed? Or all of it? Oh my gosh, Captain America! You're the bravest Abenger ever, right? Wow! Can I hold your shield? And Thor! Is it true you're from another planet? Can I hold your hammer? And Iron Man! My mom says you're a hot piece of ass, whatever that means. Can I fly your suit?"

The "Abengers" stare dumbfounded at the chatty newcomer.

"Well. I told security to keep the park on lockdown till 4:30. I guess it's 4:30." Tony shrugged.

"Here ya go, ma'am. Be careful with it, we've been together for quite a few years." said Steve, gently passing his shield to the girl who looked like her eyes might pop out of his head.

"What is your name, my mighty young friend?"

"MEREDITH!" Came a shrill scream from several yards away. "OH MY GOD THERE YOU ARE. WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT RUNNING AWAY?!"

An extremely frazzled looking woman came sprinting over to the group, and promptly almost passed out when she saw the motley crew o superheroes.

"Mommy! Look! I found the Abengers!" The little girl shrieked ecstatically. "Look! I'm holding Cap's shield!"

"...You sure are!" Her mother replied, jaw on the floor.

"Lovely to meet you, madam. Quite a great girl you've got here." Tony greeted her with a casual smile, causing her to almost swoon.

"She certainly looks up to you guys, that's for sure. And this is such a great idea! Doing a meet-and-greet with the kids in the park... And the Santa is a really thoughtful touch!" She complimented once she regained her composure. "Now, Meredith, tell Santa what you want for Christmas and let the other kids have a turn, shall we?"

"Other kids?" Tony flinched. "Oh God..."

Sure enough, there was a line of enthusiastic children and amazed parents forming beside the elves workshop.

"Oh my God it's worse than Budapest." Clint breathed, staring out at the rapidly forming line.

"What's the matter, Barton? Scared of a little small talk with tiny humans?"

"Nobody's touching my bow today. Nobody."

"So what would you like for Christmas, dear?" 'Santa' asked his newest young friend.

"Are you kidding?! I'm hangin' out with the Abengers! I don't care if I don't get another present for the rest of my life!"

"Not just anyone gets to meet the noble Avengers. But I know you've been a very good girl this year. You've earned it. Merry Christmas, Meredith. Ho ho ho!"

"This was the best Christmas ever. Thanks, Abengers." Meredith sighed blissfully, sliding off Selvig's lap and hugging each of the Avengers, even Hulk (she wrapped both arms around the only part of him she could reach; his ankle), and high-fiving Coulson, before taking her mom's hand and trotting off into the sunset.

"Fare thee well, young maiden!" Thor yelled affectionately after her.

"Bye Mr. Thor! I hope your little brother works things out!" The small girl called over her shoulder with a merry wave. Thor beamed.

"Stark, is that a tear in your eye?"

"Fuck off, Rogers. I'm allergic to...um...snow."

"Okay." Steve accepted that with a smirk. " Now who's next?" he raised his voice and directed it to the crowd of children.

"Me me me me!"

"I'm next!"

"Holy crap, check out Hulk's feet! They're humongous!"

"I wanna meet Iron Man!"

"I wanna meet Widow!"

"I wanna hold Thor's hammer!"

"Me before you, me first!"

"Awwwww... They didn't bring Loki."

"Wait, Santa's an Avenger?!"

"Do you think Hawkeye will let me shoot his bow?"

"This is so cool oh my god I can't breathe."

"This was not the plan." Clint muttered through gritted teeth as the crowd advanced.

"Act natural, Barton."

"Natasha, this is nothing we were ever trained for."

"Just go with it. What's the worst that could happen?"

* * *

Not my favourite thing I've ever written but I don't have all the time in the world so I'm posting it and praying like hell this story doesn't become a mess of agony and stress that I finish writing during the wee hours of Christmas morning like what became of every christmas fic I've ever ever ever written... ever.

This will be a series of oneshots, maybe connected, maybe not. Tis not the season of scheduling shit.

And I know they were in Malibu in House Arrest. But winter in Malibu isn't very wintery now, is it? Naturally they're spending their holidays in NYC. If it's good enough for Buddy the Elf, it's good enough for the Avengers.

Chapter 2 has been started and I think chapter 3 has too, somehow inadvertently. Shit got weird when I first started writing this. Anyway I'm going to bed to see if I can actually get up and go to my 10am class for once.

As you can see, lovely ffnet has gone and added this HANDY FUCKING LITTLE REVIEW BOX SO YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO OPEN A NEW WINDOW. IF THAT'S NOT EASY I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS. You should know by now that I have very little respect for people who don't review. Filed under stress-inducing pet peeves.

okay sleep bye

RXP


	2. Day 2: Pepper & Snowmen

__This just happened, I don't really know.

* * *

_If We Can't Celebrate Christmas, You Can Be Damn Sure We'll Avenge It._

_**Day 2:**__ character: __**Pepper Potts**__ theme: __**Snowmen**_

* * *

"I must say, Stark. You sure have a flair for public relations. I just never figured I'd end up in the middle of it. In this suit no less."

"I knew you'd see it my way, Erik. Although my way didn't originally include starting our own Santa's Village."

"That was horrible. I've been in wars that were less traumatic than that." Clint lamented as a weary troop of Avengers strolled back into the lounge of Stark Tower. They'd spent the last 5 hours being poked, sat on, and hugged by a seemingly endles horde of children who all seemed strange determined that they were to be the next generation of superheroes.

"Don't be a baby, Clint." Natasha rolled her eyes at his defeated posture.

"I thought it was neat. Kids these days aren't as bad as everyone says." Steve added as he pulled his mask off and set it on the table.

"Speak for yourself." Tony grumbled. "The first one was cool. The next five thousand were chitauri spawn. Don't even get me started on the one that puked candy canes on my suit, Dummy will be cleaning it all night. The elbow joint is all sticky now. Disgusting."

"I mightily enjoy the company of Midgardian youths!" Thor contributed. "They were most enthusiastic to hear tales of battle!"

"Yeah, plus all the girls wanted to pet your hair, which I'm sure was a nice bonus." A de-Hulked and frazzled Bruce chuckled.

"Maidens are more skilled in the ways of hair-keeping than I." Thor shrugged.

"Welcome back, Labradumb." Loki chided from across the room on the couch.

"I understood that reference." Steve grinned.

"I did not." Thor mumbled, tugging at a pink elastic holding his bangs in a side braid that had not been there before their trip to the park.

One by one, the Avengers plopped down on the cushy couches that surrounded the massive flickering fireplace.

"This is the best part of the season, don't you guys think?" Pepper smiled, snuggling up beside Tony.

"Entertaining a battalion of brats? No." Clint glared.

"I mean sitting around the fireplace. Isn't this cozy?" The strawberry blonde CEO insisted.

"If your idea of cozy is being roasted alive." Loki complained, sweating profusely. Close proximity to fire doesn't generally agree with Jotuns.

"Jarvis, crack a window or five." Tony ordered. The windows instantly sprung open, unleashing a chilly gust of air into the room.

"I will never get used to that." Steve muttered under his breath.

"Ah, that is a considerable improvement." Loki sighed contentedly, extending his footrest and leaning back.

"Tony? It's snowing in the house." Pepper commented.

"That it is." Tony replied unconcernedly, observing the snowflakes that were now flying in every direction.

"That's not normal."

"But Peps, I'm making my own North Pole."

"No."

"Yes?"

"No."

"Pleeeease. The Stark Pole. Doesn't that sound nice? We can wrap gifts in here and put up the tree and everything. I'll even hire midgets to dress up like elves and live in this room till Christmas. Seriously."

"Tony, we can't have snow indoors. I don't think you've thought this through at all."

"Fiiiine. You win, Peps... We'll call it the Potts Pole."

"No deal."

"You're mean."

"I know. Now shut the windows before your all your tech short-circuits and gets water damage."

"But Rudolph needs snow or he'll like, evaporate or something." Tony whined, gesturing at Loki.

"You could also turn on the air conditioning." Loki suggested dryly.

Tony muttered something under his breath about "Can't make a snow man out of air conditioning."

"If you want a snowman that badly, make one outside."

"Any kid can make a snowman outside. I'm a grown man! And I want a snowman in my house!"

"Stark, have you been drinking?" Selvig inquired with great skepticism.

"That reminds me!" Tony sat upright suddenly. "Make some hot chocolate, J. Dummy, find 12 mugs. I'm gonna break out the Bailey's. I'll show you all a winter nightcap that'll change your life."

"There's several unopened bottles behind the cereal." Jarvis replied.

"Pray tell, who is this Bailey of whom you speak?" Thor inquired with interest. "And why is he hiding behind your cereal?"

"Bailey's not a who, Thor. It's basically alcoholic chocolate milk. I'm sure you'll be a fan." Tony smirked, getting up to search for "Bailey".

"Can this be so?! My beloved chocolate milk paired with mead?" Thor's eyes expanded to dangerous proportions at this prospect. "My friend, do you realize what this means?!" He then grabbed Erik's arm rather forcefully as though needing a lifeline to cling to.

"Make mine a double shot, Stark." Erik yelled out to the kitchen.

"You got it, Doc."

Pepper facepalmed.

_**-*HOHOHO*-**_

An hour later, it became apparent to everyone that Tony's recipe for Bailey's Hot Cocoa was undoubtably stronger than whatever was considered average. It was also ridiculously tasty; nobody ended up drinking less than two large mugfuls. Within the hour, everyone (Steve excepted) was slurring and tipping. Clint had taken over the Santa suit and was now performing a jig he'd "learned from the elves". Thor was carrying Selvig, Coulson AND Loki, and was galumphing around trying clumsily to imitate Natasha who was dancing gracefully to Jingle Bell Rock as it blared on the satellite radio. Tony and Bruce had spontaneously decided to build a snow machine from the remnants of a dishwasher that had recently been replaced. Even Pepper was feeling a buzz, but she was professional enough to keep a lid on it; she was sitting beside Steve the Sober.

"Is this what a Stark Industries Christmas party looks like?" Steve asked her.

"Usually there's more strobelights and strippers." Pepper clarified.

"In that case, I think this is going rathe well." said Steve, observing the antics of his colleagues.

"There was nothing wrong with watching the fire and being cozy. This was not necessary. Sometimes I wish everything he touches didn't turn to party." Pepper sighed, taking another sip of insanely spiked cocoa.

"Then he'd hardly be Tony, would he?" Steve replied after some consideration.

"He'd be a considerably easier to manage Tony, that's for sure."

"He flew a live nuclear bomb into outer space. Oh, and he's Tony Stark He doesn't think he HAS to be easy to manage."

"When he disappeared into that portal, I told myself I'd never micromanage him again, as long as he came back out again. That lasted a week at the most... Then S.H.I.E.L.D. handed us Loki and all hell broke loose and I had to start managing again. God, Steve, I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe I thought falling out of space would change him. Make him... I don't know, grow up?! But then I look at him... And all I can think of is how close he came to not getting that bomb through the portal in time, not falling back through, and not being caught before he hit the pavement. Because I sure as hell wouldn't have let him grab onto a nuclear fucking warhead if I had any say in it in the first place! And I feel like if I micromanage him... I can stop him from doing something like that ever again. I don't know, Capsicle. I just don't know."

At this point she'd picked up Steve's unfinished cocoa and was taking care of it. Steve remained quiet for several minutes. Had Pepper been slightly more sober, she would have apologized for delivering such a monologue unto the unsuspecting supersoldier. Hell, she wouldn't have started ranting in the first place.

But screw it, it's Christmas and people are allowed to go a little nuts and she's a lightweight anyway and she has the best intentions because she's Pepper Potts like that. So just screw it. She stood up.

"TONY. Put on your boots, we're going outside."

"Not now mom, we're doing drunk science." Tony groaned as he lolled around on his back on the carpeted area of he floor where he and Bruce were tinkering on the ex-dishwasher.

"You're doing drunk science. I'm fine." Bruce protested.

"I'm not the one who thought the detergent compartment was a switchplate." Tony cackled.

"Tony. Up. Everyone, we're going outside. Now."

_**-*HOHOHO*-**_

"Soo. I don't want to be the one to rain on the parade of pointlessness, but pray tell what exactly is the purpose of this little adventure?" Tony griped as the gang gathered on Stark Tower's front law.

"We're building snowmen. Like you wanted. _Go_." Pepper ordered, pointing firmly at the snow-covered ground.

"That was like an hour ago. And as I recall, I wanted them _indoors._"

"Lady Potts, how is it possible to a person from snow? Not even the Frost Giants can accomplish such a feat." Thor was scratching his head on this one.

"Not _real _people, Thor. It's just… here, look."

And the mighty Lady Potts rolled down her sleeves, tucked her pants into her one-of-a-kind Uggs (Pepper Potts isn't above wearing Uggs, everyone) and began the process of rolling a snowball. Thor eyed her dubiously.

_"I know this one!"_ Steve yelled gleefully, leaping into action. He'd constructed a tidy three-story snowman before Pepper had finished her first snowball, and proceeded to scour the shrubbery in search of sticks to make the arms.

"Nay, Lady Potts! We cannot allow the Captain to beat us in this game! Our man of snow shall be completed first!" Thor boomed, grabbing a massive armful of snow and dropping it unceremoniously on top of Pepper's half-rolled ball.

"It's not a contest, Thor." Bruce sighed.

"But I'm winning!" Steve called merrily as he neatly pressed pebbles into his snowman's face to create eyes and a smile.

"Oh no you're _not, _Capsicle." Tony growled as though suddenly seized by that good ol' Stark competitive streak. He rolled up a semi-spherical bundle of snow and smashed it down onto Thor's pile. "That'll do." He affirmed after giving the misshapen snow-torso a once-over. "Barton, you're the nest expert. Find me some twigs. This man needs arms! Banner, I need pebbles for the face. There's some in the fountain. GO!"

"Your friend isn't looking so good, Stark." Steve noted as he casually affixed a pair of sturdy branch arms to his snowman.

"Keep your remarks to yourself, Rogers." Tony huffed as he furiously smoothed away the uneven edges of snow on his work of art.

"Tony, what the- _are you sculpting breasts on that snowman?!" _Pepper shrieked in aggravation as she checked in on his progress.

"Pepper, there is nothing wrong with being anatomically correct. Isn't body-positive supposed to be the new thing? You heard it here first, folks. Stark Industries is body-positive. Snow boobies for all! No shame!"

Everyone with the exception of Tony exchanged a long-suffering look.

"Do not your Midgardian men of snow generally sport headwear or some sort?" Loki spoke up, most likely in an effort to break the awkward silence that had ensued from Tony's statement.

"Yeah, yeah they do." Bruce added. "A black top hat, if you want to get tradition-specific."

"I've got the _perfect _thing." said Tony with a wicked grin before more or less _scampering _off back into the building.

"Damn, can I borrow someone's hat? Tasha?" Steve looked around in search of help.

"Don't even think about it, Cap. This is imported from Russia." Natasha replied, gently petting her furry ear-flapped hat.

Steve gritted his teeth and looked around. _All he wanted to do was beat Stark at something, even if it was a stupid snowman contest for Pete's sake!_

Then Pepper had an idea accompanied by a feeling similar to that when she added a perfect punchline to one of Tony's speeches, or picked out a colour scheme for an Iron Man suit that looked _way _better than the original plan. _Light bulb!_

"Hang tight, Steve. I think I've got the _perfect _thing up in storage."

She departed swiftly through the door Tony had just disappeared into, leaving Steve eyeing up Tony's well-endowed snowman and deciding whether or not his was _lacking _in the anatomy department. He needn't have worried, though. While he was pondering, Clint carved his own cheeky addition into Steve's snowman. Suffice it to say that it was located about two thirds of the way down, it made Coulson facepalm and Natasha roll her eyes at the immaturity of men (men being Clint). You get the idea.

_**-*HOHOHO*-**_

"Mr. Stark." Pepper greeted Tony unexpectedly as she stepped into their personal elevator five minutes later, only to find it was already occupied.

"Miss Potts." he returned with half a smile. "Long time no see."

"You're going to put Loki's helmet on your snowman? I predict a _great_ ending to that." was her reply as she observed the large golden object he held in his hands.

"Oh come on. Olive will get a kick out of this. He thinks I'm hilarious."

"Who's Olive?"

"Loki! Y'know, _all of _the other reindeer,_ "Olive" _the other reindeer?"

"Tony, no."

"They made it into a children's movie. Pepper, I could not be more serious right now."

"Stop giving the poor god nicknames."

"I see you've taken Rogers' side. Terrible decision." he glanced down at what she was holding. Is that what I think it is? Where'd you get that?"

"If you think it's your dad's from the forties, you're right. He wore it to the '42 expo. I thought Steve would get a kick out of it."

"So you're going to leave a priceless antique outside sitting on a mound of snow exposed to the elements, in front of the building that represents all of its previous owner's accomplishments?"

"That was more or less my plan."

"I like it."

"I thought you would."

"Pepper?"

"Yes, Tony?"

"Why are you so good at Christmas?"

A beat of silence.

"I'm not sure, Tony."

Beat.

"Me neither. But I'm glad one of us is."

Beat.

Pepper reaches out and presses the _emergency stop _button, and the elevator halts halfway between floors 7 and 8.

Tony's on board with this. He reaches out and pulls her close. The helmet and the top hat fall to the floor.

The snowmen can wait.

* * *

Pepperony banter without dialogue tags is possibly my favourite thing to write.

Next one will be up god knows when. Till then come hang out with me on Tumblr and admire the christmassy Avenger shit I make on my iPhone during class, link on profile.

And as per usual, if you're up for doing festive!House Arrest fan art, GET RIGHT AT ME :)

People who don't review are bad people

That is all I have for you tonight

RXP


	3. Day 3: Tony & Decorating

Sorry for the wait. There's a thing called exams and they're happening and it's awful and oh god help me.

* * *

_If We Can't Celebrate Christmas, You Can Be Damn Sure We'll Avenge It._

_**Day 3:** character: **Tony Stark** theme: **Decorating**_

* * *

It was a chilly day in New York. The sun shone through the clouds but didn't do anything to hinder the gently falling snowflakes. There was already a crisp layer of white on the ground surrounding Stark Tower, marred only by several sets of footprints clustered near the main entrance to the building.

"Friend Stark, are you quite certain that ladder is of reputable solidity? It looks rather questionable to me. I fear your mortal body would not survive a plummet." Thor boomed up at Tony who was perched precariously atop a 100-foot ladder wrapping metallic red tinsel around the glowing Stark Industries logo mounted high on the wall above the main entrance.

"It's fine, buddy." Tony shot back casually. "I've survived worse."

"Thor's right, Tony. You're not even wearing your suit." Pepper added uneasily, staring up at her adventurous Iron Man.

"JARVIS is upgrading the software. It won't be done for another hour. This can't wait, Peps!"

"Of course it can't." Pepper muttered, pulling her woollen hat down around her ears. "The whole building will collapse if you don't make it flashier, _right now_."

"I heard that, Ms. Potts. But I don't want coal in my stocking so I'm gonna let it slide. Hey Cap, bring me up some lights. I want this visible from outer space."

"Come get them yourself, Stark. I'm busy!" the star-spangled man with a plan retorted. He was occupied by carefully arranging a life-sized Nativity scene amongst the shrubbery.

"Lights _and _tinsel? Really, Tony?" Pepper questioned reproachfully. "You're gonna make the building look like a joke."

"I don't think it's possible to make it look like any more of a joke, to be perfectly honest." Steve muttered under his breath. Unfortunately, Tony heard this. In his haste to scramble down and make the Supersoldier pay for his crack at Stark Tower, he accidentally kicked the ladder with a little too much vigour and it collapsed. Leaving a very surprised Tony clinging to the "K" on the massive STARK logo. Only for a moment though, because he found it impossible to maintain a grip on the ice-covered letter and he dropped like a stone.

There then came a deafening roar of "HULK CATCH!" and a giant green blur came hurtling through the air and intercepted the falling genius before he hit the ground. It all happened in the blink of an eye.

"OH MY GOD TONY." Pepper screeched, sprinting over (high heeled boots and all) to where the Hulk gently deposited his catch safely onto solid ground.

"Thanks, big guy." Tony wheezed, brushing himself off. "I owe ya one."

"Metal man safe?" Hulk grunted concernedly.

"Very." Tony confirmed with a grin, patting his friend's massive arm right before Pepper swept him into a rib-crushing hug. "Oh come on, Peps. I've fallen farther distances than that."

"YOU WEREN'T IN THE DAMN SUIT. Why do you have to be so irresponsible? Decorating that stupid sign all by yourself, what were you thinking?" she groaned with a long-suffering sigh.

"I'm thinking it was his fault." Tony shrugged, pointing at Steve who had just finished placing baby Jesus in the manger amongst the life-sized plastic animals.

"_Please, _Stark. If you weren't so vindictive, you wouldn't have gotten mad and fallen off the ladder." Steve snorted.

"If you didn't have such ancient taste in architecture, you wouldn't have called my building a joke. You knew perfectly well that would incur my wrath."

"If you weren't so self-absorbed, you'd respect my opinion."

"If you-"

"MORTALS!" Thor hollered, practically shaking the ground. "You have told me time upon time that this festival of Christmas is supposed to be a joyous affair, yet it seems to cause more strife than merriment. Hence I trust you will excuse my confusion." the God of Thunder cocked a thick golden eyebrow and stared around at his comrades.

"Thor, the Wikipedia description we read you was _ideal _Christmas. My friend, this is _real _Christmas in all its obnoxious glory." Tony clarified.

"Why am I not surprised at how materialistic it's become?" Steve lamented.

"Because-" Tony had some Stark-worthy comeback at the ready but he was interrupted by Clint yelling from across the parking lot:

"Hey, Jolly Green!" Are you gonna come back and pick this up where you left it, or are you gonna leave the puny humans to do your heavy lifting?"

Just visible was Clint and Natasha, struggling with a humungous evergreen tree. However, Bruce had de-Hulked so Steve and Thor rushed over to assist them and in no time at all the tree had made it to the building. Closer inspection revealed that it was an 11-foot-tall 5-foot-wide Douglas Fir, complete with soil-encrusted roots although it had been ripped right up out of the ground. This was not lost on Tony.

"Umm, guys? Roots? Unless you intend to re-plant it in my hot tub, I fail to see how we'll fit this in the tree stand."

"Yeah… there was an… issue." Clint mumbled, scratching his head (h)awkwardly.

"We got to the tree farm in one piece. Everything was going fine till we picked out a tree that met all your specifications, and Bruce looked at the price… then we had a bit of a big green situation on our hands." Natasha explained. "He took off and we followed him in the Hummer…"

"We had to take a few _creative _shortcuts to keep up with him, and the truck has SHIELD plastered across the sides so we'll probably get billed for damages. Just sayin'." Clint sighed.

"We finally caught up with Bruce in Central Park, but he'd already uprooted… that. Then we heard the sirens coming, and he took off. We ran back to the Hummer and followed him here." Tasha smirked.

"Sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry!" Bruce groaned in anguish, covering his face with his hands.

"No worries, you saved _me. _The general public owes you a big dirty tree at the _very_ least." Tony grinned.

"Yeah, he dropped the tree like a hot potato as soon as he saw you dangling." Clint contributed,

"Well he's got his priorities right." Pepper smiled and hugged the worn-out looking scientist. "Thanks, Bruce."

"This is why I hate Christmas. I don't do stress well." Bruce mumbled.

"Come on, let's get the tree inside and take a hot chocolate break. Then we can start decorating." Pepper urged. Thor and Steve obliged, each grabbing an end of the tree and making their way to the door.

"Where has my brother disappeared to?" Thor inquired, pausing in the doorway.

"I sent him to the East lawn to work on a special project." Pepper replied inconspicuously. Let's go fetch him, shall we?"

The Avengers filed around the side of the building. As they reached the East lawn, their jaws dropped one by one.

"Holy shit!" Clint yelped. "What'd he do?!"

"Tapped into his long-lost Frost Giant powers, apparently." Bruce noted.

"Son of a bitch." Tasha breathed in awe.

"Damn, Loki." Steve muttered appreciatively.

"That is my brother!" Thor boomed proudly.

"Mine needs to be taller!" Tony whined.

The East entrance of Stark Tower was now flanked by 7 ice sculptures… life-sized, glistening representations of each of the Avengers who were posed as though charging towards Loki himself, whose crystalline statue was standing in a rather menacing pose at the top of the stairs. However, the flesh-and-bones Loki was nowhere to be seen.

"How did he do that?" Steve gasped. "This should've taken him all year!"

"He has… what is it you mortals say? _Skills._" Thor replied, beaming with delight over his little brother'c creation.

"Wow, that one's a sexy beast." Clint noted critically, striding over to the nearest sculpture. "Oh, would you look at that! It's me!"

"I'm not that short. There's no way. We need to make some emergency modifications before anyone sees this. Hey, Reindeer Games! …Loki? Where is he?!" Tony demanded. "As if throwing me out a window wasn't bad enough... is this because of the whole Shawarma thing? I thought we were past this!"

* * *

Sorry for the sudden ending. I had a bunch more but I split it in half so the next part will be chapter 4.

This story is so much less organized than I planned THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I RUSH STUFF AT CHRISTMAS, I ALWAYS OVERCOMMIT AND THINGS GET UGLY ugh why didn't I just write a oneshot.

You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best. University has turned my happy little life into a veritable hell hole so every little review helps.

RXP


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